Blog Title: Monkey Thoughts

Dear Kellogg

Dear Kellogg, I am writing to express my recent dissatisfaction with one of your products. Recently I purchased a 18 oz box of Kellogg's Rice Krispies cereal. That would be the original formula; I've never been one for complicated Rice Krispies. It defeats the purpose of buying Rice Krispies. Regardless, my personal preference of toasted rice cereal is not germane to my issue. Upon purchasing said box of cereal, I noted the following message on the front of the box: "INSIDE Walt Disney World Resort mini pal collectible". As any parent with more than one child would attest to, those words sent shivers of pure terror up and down my spine. Immediately, I found myself concocting peace treaty-demanding scenarios in my head as a result of my kids catching on to the fact that there was a FREE TOY in their presence. Oddly, they never noticed. A few days went by, and the dreaded box of Satan's temptations sat untouched on my kitchen counter. That is, until tonight. It was not the kids who approached the box, but I, a grown woman who wanted a bowl of delicious, yet "gets soggy entirely too fast for the price they charge" cereal. As I lay my hands upon the blue box of promise, it dawned on me that there was a FREE TOY in my presence. A FREE TOY that had yet to be claimed by the children of the house. I employed the tried and true rule of "FIRST" and greedily opened the box of cereal. Now, I would like to think that in my 30 years of walking this planet that I had figured out the best way to retrieve free loot from breakfast sustenance. I've had the practice, after all. First, I removed the still-sealed plastic bag from the box, as most cereal companies have learned that putting a packaged item that's been in contact with God knows what into intended food is rather disgusting. Eying the inside of the box returned only a recipe for Rice Krispies Treats (already know it, but thanks) and an order form for the mini pals. I looked back at the front of the box and confirmed that it was stated that a mini pal would be physically inside the box. It even says "Actual Item May Vary", which roughly translates to "Don't get your hopes up for Mickey. You'll probably get Mater or Goofy." The next step is a bag perimeter check. I swished and crunched the cereal in the sealed bag to determine the whereabouts of the mini pal, but my check yielded nothing. It was time to resort to the final step: arm submersion. You see, this is the last resort because a) one is sticking their body into food intended for consumption and b) it's rather messy. But I was determined to get my mini pal. I had it all figured out in my head too. When my kids asked where the toy was, I would simply tell them that Kellogg's forgot to put one in the box. Yes, I was willing to LIE to keep a FREE TOY. Re-read that line just so you realize how serious I am about free toys in my cereal. I opened the bag and dived my arm in. I was up to my elbows in the innards of the toasted rice goodness. I felt the tiny pieces crushed under my desperation and try frantically to prevent me from moving about. Krispies began to tumble out of the bag in a fruitless attempt at freedom. Then I felt something! It felt like the definite edge of plastic packaging. I pulled and pulled, but to no avail. Irritated, I inspected the bag where my hand clawed maniacally only to realize I had been tugging at the other side of the cereal bag. I searched every square inch of the cereal and nothing was to be found. Kellogg's, you have crushed my hopes, much like I crushed the tiny Krispies in my futile attempt to find a 4-inch Disney toy. You may argue that it serves me right, seeing how my heart had become darkened with the reprehensible desire to horde the toy for myself and not to, oh, the kids in the household. But I implore you, what kind of world would we be living in if the basic structural integrity of the law of "FIRST" was kicked to ruin and rubble? I do not want to live in that world; I do not. My heart may one day heal and perhaps I will forgive you of this horrid transgression. Until that day comes my friend, I shall resort to acquiring my toys the "old-fashioned" way and will sit in quiet resentment, begrudgingly eating my Rice Krispies. The original kind. Thank you for listening.

Content Re-evaluation

Every once in a while I like to go digging up my blog stats just to see where people are coming from and what brings them to me. Every time I make this effort, I am usually partially speechless over the search terms that directed people my way. I've selected some of my favorite terms and decided to see just where in Google search results my site fell. After seeing the results, I've decided to put down some appropriate content for these search terms. After all, it is only fair that the individuals searching for the mentioned items get some sort of satisfaction from me. Without further adieu, and in no particular order whatsoever, Monkey Thoughts WTF Search Terms 2008: 1) Life span of vampire monkey - 4th in Google search Well this is quite simple actually : 22 years in the wild, 38 in captivity. That is, of course, assuming they actually existed and weren't a hoax. 2) The hitcher beastiality - 38th in Google search In neither of "The Hitcher" versions did bestiality occur. Sure, you could theorize and say "some jackasses got effed hard in the a", but that is merely a metaphor. Perhaps it is a story one was searching for, about a hitchhiker on a lonely road and an unfortunate goat? If that is the case, I would recommend altering the search terms to be a bit more specific. 3) Monkey with lipstick from scary movie -7th in Google search ... The monkey's name was Jackson Reeves, which, you have to admit, is quite a fancy name for a primate. He wants everyone to know that he does not wear lipstick on a regular basis. The night before the shoot, he got completely wasted on cheap bourbon and ditch weed and put on Revlon Super Lustrous in Cha Cha Cherry on a dare. Unfortunately, he woke up late and had to rush to set to film his scenes. Seeing how he passed out the night before, Cha Cha Cherry was still smothered all over his face. The director loved the look, and thus it stayed, creating lingering proof of Reeves' after-hour activities. 4) How to remove poop stain - 46th in Google search I once had the unfortunate task of removing poop from my own carpet and made a remark on my blog, thereby sealing in history the most commonly awkward search term I see, month after month. It is a cringing favorite of mine. Let's face it people...there's a lot of people's rugs getting pooped on, so for the love of all that is good in the world, do not play by the five second rule! I now have hardwood floors, which makes the removal SO much easier. Additionally, I received a comment from Angie in Texas with steps on how to deal with said poop. That can be found in the comment section here. 5) Nipples in hustle & flow - 9th in Google search I can only wonder if the searcher wants to know if there are nipples in "Hustle & Flow" (yes) or if I have pics of them (no). If it's the latter, I have a course of action I recommend to appease the mind for want of nipples. First, proceed to a mirror. I recommend one in private, unless you are a kinky sonuvabitch and want the world to see your business. Next, remove your shirt and any upper body undergarments you have on. Look, nipples! Now stare intently at the reflection of your nipples and begin to softly serenade yourself: "You know it's hard out here for a pimp/When he tryin to get this money for the rent/For the Cadillacs and gas money spent/Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit" See? Sexy, isn't it? 6) One dick at a time - unknown The fact that I couldn't find where my page landed in Google's search (got to the 118th and got bored) says a lot for the dedication of this searcher. So I pose this question to him or her: why one dick at a time? Clearly, you have the stamina and the will needed to take on more than one dick. By all means, do it! For the rest of you, take that search phrase as a new motto for life: One dick at a time. No more, no less. 7) Punishments for dirty sluts- 49th in Google search Nipple clamps and whips, no doubt. And maybe a bath. And some hand sanitizer. 8) Gout of the dick- 12th in Google search A quote from "True Blood", but is it a real medical condition? You tell me. 9) My cat is trying to eat me - 12th in Google search You have my sympathy. I say, try to eat it back. See how the bastard likes it now! (Don't really try to eat your cat. Just subtle threats will do.) 10) My sim aquarium dead fish - 9th in Google search I actually see a few hits from various Sim Aquarium searches. I would like to state that I was a horrible sim fish keeper and you should not come my way for any such advice, for it will only lead to certain death and destruction. If you want that sort of sorrow in your life, by all means, ignore the fish for awhile. Otherwise move along to a more successful fake fish owner and they shall lead you to prosperity.

Making the easy fairly muddled

I was sitting at work, doing my thing (which I do quite well, if I may interject), when I received a phone call on my direct line. (I specify direct line as most people who need to reach me know to call my mobile phone and not a desk or home phone, which tends to result in my staring at the phone blankly thinking "What is this beast and why is it shrilling at me?" Sometimes, I try to find the "ignore" option on the home phone, but alas...there is none. So for the purposes of this story, it was my desk phone that rang.) I picked up the line, expecting it to be my husband since 99% of the time he is the only person to call my office line. Not having to deal with people on a daily basis has its perks, you know. There was a pause, and I repeated the standard "Hello?" greeting, but this time with an air of trepidation. It could, after all, be an ACTUAL person I would have to converse with in a strictly professional manner. The caller began to speak, utter one word that threw me into a mental panic "Spanish?" At first, I tried to convince myself that he was asking for someone named "Spanish". Certainly he wasn't expecting me to remember three years of high school Spanish and a few Nickelodeon shows to exchange meaningful dialogue? Ah, but he was. He answered "Um..Spanish?" to my partially freaked out "What?" In the next few nanoseconds, my mind raced and poured through what tangents I did remember from Spanish class, but nothing seemed to fit. How the hell did I convey to him "that I only had three years worth, and, honestly, the last one being a good 13 years ago. Surely my linguistic prowess in such things is non-existent!" I cleared my throat and said "No" with as much sympathy and condolence as I could muster. Yet, it typical jackass manner, I managed to say it with an accent. I wasn't aware one could accent a one-syllable word such as "no", but I pulled it off. I could hear my subconscious justify this atrocity "Well, maybe if I say it like it's a Spanish word, he'll understand me." Of course he would freaking understand me. He was probably expecting either "no" or "sí". The caller hung up the phone and then it occurred to me "if only I knew how to say "But I'll find someone who does!" in Spanish. It also occurred to me that I could have accidentally said the few words I do know and have confused the man, so I'm feeling pretty good that I didn't. Way to go self. Way to not be a complete jackass this time!

I wish I could write a script just for this guy..

Pure goodness.

Miller's Crossing

I guess I've been on a Coen movie kick lately, but it's all wavy gravy cause they do some solid work. Miller's Crossing is an older one that I haven't had the chance to see before, but I remember way back in the day being very struck by just the trailer. This film had all the makings of a good one: very strong, well defined characters; a complex story full of twists and turns; incredibly breathtaking photography and atmosphere; a well-fiting score to segue the scenes and action together. I really couldn't think of one negative comment for this movie except that the story required undivided attention. As one who watches a lot of foreign films, you'd think this would be no problem for me, and yet the rewind feature was my friend. I wouldn't so much classify this film as a cut-and-dry gangster film (or 'gangsta' as I almost types- what the hell?) but rather more of a character piece. Maybe, perhaps, an "Albert Finney in yo face!" piece. I feel unmotivated tonight, so for a synopis, check out the IMDB page here. Or just take my word for it that it rocks and Daddy Warbucks can kick all sorts of ass with a Tommy gun and rent it already. Do it.

My frazzled mind

My brother made the comment the other day that my blog looked lonely and envious of my Twitter. I guess I have enjoyed the convenience provided by Twitter for quick and easy quips and observations instead of having to collect all those random thoughts into a lucid paragraph. I'll admit it- I'm greedy with the Twitter. As is the case quite often with me, I went into stimulus overload. Once again, I got my mind going into more directions that I keep up with. I'm really enjoying my career and the positive changes in it over the course of the last few months, but adjusting to a new job and a new course of work proved to be more tiring than I thought it would be. I think part of that is due to some pressures at the job in the form of deadlines. Luckily I work in an environment that keeps me grounded and remembering that no one is defibbing on a crash cart at our job; ie, anything can be dealt with in stride. It's hard to see it from that angle when you're knee deep in it, but it's a refreshing outlook that I have to work on adopting as my own. The man thinks I freak out way too easily and I'm inclined to agree with him. Problem is, I'm not really sure how to NOT freak out, considering it's all second nature to me. Or is it first nature? What the hell kind of stupid phrase is that anyway? I have a long list of things I want to accomplish or just flat out do for the sake of non-accomplishing- related matters. Time management is not my forte. Neither is an accute attention span for that matter. Hell, the only reason this is getting posted now is because I figured out how to post via my bberry. Hehe.

Tell No One

I went into this film not knowing too much about it other than it was a thriller and it was French. I was somewhat hesistant as my experience with French thrillers thus far ranged from the quite good ("Ills") to the completely overrated/I want those hours of my life back sort of way("Cache"). But I figured what the hell? Honestly, I really just wanted to take a walk to the theater and enjoy a film and this seemed like the best option. Scientific, I know. Back to the film. Basic synopsis is that a man and his wife are out nekkid swimming. She goes back to the shore, he hears her scream and goes towards her. Unfortunately, he's knocked unconcious by an unknown assailant before he gets to her. When he wakes up, he's informed that she is dead, the apparent victim of a serial killer. Six years later, he receives an anonymous email with a link to a webcam. As he is watching, a woman appears on screen who looks a hell of a lot like his dead wife. He receives an email infoming him to "tell no one." The rest of the movie follows him as he tries to piece together what really happened 6 years ago and what is happening now. This movie sets up the atmosphere perfectly. Despite running over two hours, I felt engrossed the entire time, waiting for all the pieces to fall together, which they do within perfect timing and context of the story. I also was struck how visually the movie built up tension and atmosphere to work along with the story. The cast worked well in their respective characters, especially the leds. As I've seen on other sites, this movie feels like a combo of "Vertigo" and "The Vanishing". This movie was what Cache should have been, but stick figures aren't too frightening really. (If you saw Cache, you'd know about the stick figures.)

Notes from HorrorHound Part II - Shock Studios

I have a few moments while I wait for some software to install so I can continue on with the classes that I'm way freaking behind on and I'm a little freaked out about that....But anyway....Er...what was I saying? Oh yes, free moment to highlight another fabo vendor at HorrorHound Weekend. Now, I love zombies. Love 'em. Love them to the point that I've convinced myself THE apocalypse will one day occur. Remember, go for the head and don't waste any time crying over a bit loved one and thereby allowing them the opportunity to turn and eat you. I'm just saying. Back to my original point (I'm more scatterbrained than usual tonight). Zombies = Love. Zombie Prints For Me to Frame = True Love. Check out the merch @ Shock-Studios. The Art of Horror. I bought the following: http://shock-studios.com/large%20prints/graveyard.jpg http://shock-studios.com/large%20prints/groupshot.jpg http://shock-studios.com/large%20prints/zombieally%20copy.jpg

Notes from HorrorHound - Dirk Strangely

A few weeks ago, I made yet another excursion to Indy for HorrorHound Weekend. This time, however, I refrained from dancing around tables like a schoolgirl and running away from Tom Savini. (I still didn't approach Tom Savini, but the man had a whip and was not ashamed to crack it about. Scary.) I tried to get a peek at "Eskalofrio" ("Shiver"), but watching a subtitled flick in non-stadium seating is..well...difficult to say the least. My three years of high school Spanish only gets me so far. So other than "famous" folks and movie screenings, the big draw to the HorrorHound Convention is the vendors. The vendors vary from collectible items to bootlegs to art work. As Takashi Miike said in "Hostel"- "you could spend all your money in there". Both of my trips to Horrorhound have resulted in my spending way more than I budgeted. But hey, got some cool swagger out of it. Which brings me to my first highlight of the trip. I enjoy art that has a sort of oddity to it, which is why I found Dirk Strangely's art quite fascinating. I had passed his table several times and decided I was going to get a print, but didn't know which one. My husband decided on his "Hillside Cannibal" print. As we went to purchase the print, Dirk was working on a watercolor which he gave to us after he finished. Plus, he signed and personalized the Cannibal print. Very cool, indeed. Check out his site : http://www.dirkstrangely.com/

True Blood

In case you have HBO and enjoy vampires, or at least gratuitous nipple, I recommend checking out their latest series, "True Blood". The series creates an environment where vampires have come out in society to live freely amongst the living. There's even synthetic blood for the vamps to enjoy so they don't need to feed off the humans. It's fairly early in the season, but I'm enjoying how the story is unraveling. The story centers around Sookie who has the ability to listen in on people's thoughts- both a blessing and a burden. In to her life and the small town she lives in walks a vampire trying to set up in the area. Add in some murders, some slight social commentary, and a whole lotta sexy times, and you've got yourself a pretty decent vampire show. How often do you get to hear someone proclaim they have "gout of the dick"? I may have to pick up the books this show is based on, as I especially like how well written the character of Sookie seems. I'm waiting patiently for Sookie and Bill(the vampire) to get it on. The sexual tension is ridiculous.

Hello Blog...I miss you

Okay, so it's been awhile. Had a lot of 'life changes' to adjust to. Well, okay...not really a lot. Frankly, just the one, but boy, was it a big one. Beginning of Aug, I ended my 'almost 5 yr run' at a company to switch gears and try something new. I'd be lying if I said I made that decision on my own with no substantial influence, but honestly, I knew the place I was at was headed for some significant changes and went with my gut feeling that those changes would not necessarily be favorable for me. (In an odd way, they were, but that's a whole other story.) So I decided to seek employment and found a position in damn near record breaking time for me. There were quite a few bonuses. For starters, I get to actually use the degree I spent all that time and energy to get. Second, I'm not sure I was really getting much out of my last job. Sure, the people were fun and the environment was one of a kind, but when I sat down and thought about what I did and I mean REALLY thought about it, it didn't make me feel like I was doing anything worthwhile for society or accomplishing much in the grand scheme of things. I did learn plenty of stuff there, it just wasn't exactly satisfying as it really should be if one plans on doing something the rest of their life. Call me an idealist, but I really believe people should be happy with their jobs. For crying out loud, we typically spend more time there than anywhere else. If you're not happy, why waste your life away? So anyway, yes, a new job for me. Funny enough, I actually am required to do work there, something I wasn't used to due to a hell of a lot of downtime recently. As a result, I am freaking exhausted and just now getting into the swing of things. I signed up for online classes that started a month ago and here I am now just looking at lesson 2. Thinking makes me tired, it would seem. HA! But I do have a lot of things on my list. One of these days, I will post up my adventures at HorrorHound Weekend this past Aug and some really awesome vendors I met along the way. On the movie front, I'm afraid I haven't had much time to see many, but I got a few to review, assuming I can remember them. TV front (ha!), I did happen to catch True Blood on HBO and plan to review each episode. Big plans...just need to find the time.

My Loony Bun Is Fine

I may be extra giggly tonight, following an email from one of my brothers that can only be described as something a drunk person would pen, except there's a 95% chance he was completely sober at the time. Then I received this video from the husband that just completely did me in: (And yes, it totally made my day.)

The Mangler 2

Omg, I am, like, soooo goth. You can tell because I'm wearing black lipstick and I have severe daddy issues. Oh, and I'm a haxor who gets all my hawt hax goodies from sites that look like they were designed circa 1998. I will make them all pay for sending me to a school for the overprivileged. Bastards. And when obscure characters who may or may not have been previously introduced die, I will be running around giggling like a 14 year old girl at a college and be making awkwardly timed googly eyes at a guy who I may or may not have some sort of accomplished relationship with. But the chef will live at least.

The Brave One

I'll admit it; I only saw this movie cause Naveen Andrews was in it. Imagine my disappointment when he ended up much like the Sean Bean character in "Flight Plan". (really capable actor horribly wasted on a crap role with very little screen time.) The story is developed around a couple who get the crap kicked out of them one night, ending in a tragic way (go on, guess) and the vigilante actions the woman undertakes. My problems began with the fact that no one could possibly beat down Sayid's ass like that. Yes, I realize it's a different character, but c'mon. (Just try to watch the dance sequence from 'Bride and Prejudice' without giggling. I dare you.) Next, there was a scene in which Jodie Foster's character is trying to get a gun and upon hearing there's a 30 day waiting fee, she blurts out something like 'I won't survive 30 days". So she's lived in the city for a number of years and now is convinced death and danger await on every street corner? Oddly enough, it does in this movie. It was just hard to swallow. The movie just felt like a weak attempt with no emotional pull to it and a whole lotta wasted talent. But there is a scene involving Sayid and a nip. (okay, naveen...sheesh)

Those crazy kids today...

Came across this today while on my way to grab a coffee: I know I shouldn't find it as amusing as I do, but this is one of the greatest acts of vandalism I have come across...ever.